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Let’s not and say we did: flatforms

March 28, 2012

L-A: It started when I first saw them on the runway (well, pictures from the runway). I think it was spring 2011. There’s on pair in particular, but I can’t find them. But this Derek Lam number does the trick.

And the first thought to come to mind when I saw these was: orthopedic nightmare.

Yes, they looked like something I’d see in a catalogue for nurses uniforms or on the feet of someone elderly and in need of serious foot support and possibly a lift in just one shoe. And somehow this inspired designers. And then, naturally, the trickle down happened and now we have  a very ugly trend. And so, I’d like to examine said trend. And then ask that we all agree to bury this trend along with our crocheted vests, bodysuits with highwaisted tapered jeans and other questionable fashion choices.

1. Ralph Lauren: not horrible, but still kind of lame.

Not hideous, no. I can’t tell if I hate them because they are sort of a flatform or because they’re totally an espadrille and I have an unreasonable hate on for the espadrille. But these shoes with the extra flat inch exist because others do.


2. Robert Clergerie: $420 of ugly.

You know that rope that would be on homemade swings and kind of rough up your hands? Or was used to look all rustic and shit on Survivor? Yeah, well they made shoes with that rope. And charged you half a month’s rent for it.


3. Tory Burch: what happens when a pair of Toms have babies with espadrilles.

Shit son. I deal with TOMS because at least they do good things. You can justify spending $50 to $100 because they’re sending a pair of TOMS off to some shoeless child. But these? Not exactly glamorous or jet set as Net-a-Porter describes them. Instead they’re $175 for gold coloured linen that will probably rip off the too heavy bottom. And if they don’t? You still have an ugly, clunky shoe.


4. Prada: What happens when shoe designers get drunk.


And this is what happens after a few too many jaegerbombs at the office party.

Picture it: You’re drunk and you can’t sleep and you’re surrounded by shoes and shoe glue. You have one of those ideas that seem like genius when you’re drunk. Like singing Taylor Swift at karaoke. When you wake up in a puddle of drool, with hazy memories of doing an ass drop on top of the speakers (and possibly singing Taylor Swift at karaoke), you’re  clutching the remains of a few different pairs of shoes. Jim from accounting’s wingtips are glued to Susan from HR’s espadrilles which are in turn glued to ironic Skechers of Jill from marketing, that have been in her closet since 1998. And how do you explain this monstrosity to your boss? And your shoeless co-workers? You tell them you’ve just created a brand new flatform and you’re going to charge $650 for them. And boom! You sell out of this nightmare and laugh at the women who bought them and buy the office a round of jaegerbombs.



Let’s not and say we did. Get a wedge, get a platform wedge, get a flat, but just stay away from the flatform. Even the name sounds horrible. Like Bennifer. Or Brangelina. Some words should not be glued together and some shoes should not be glued together either.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Kim @ Say What?! permalink
    March 28, 2012 9:25 am

    Ugh… I hate them all. I whole heatedly agree with everything written here – dislike of espadrilles, Toms, and flatforms. I didn’t even realize they had a name besides “platforms”…all the more reason to dislike.

    • la permalink*
      March 28, 2012 9:28 am

      I didn’t realize they had a name either. I just called them those ugly, flat platforms. And then I was looking around online for them last night and realized that all the sites were calling them flatforms.

  2. March 28, 2012 10:47 am

    All of these shoes are terrible, except the espadrilles. After spending a pretty decent amount of time in Spain, I love them immensely. In Barcelona, they’re dancing shoes for Catalonian ladies (of all ages) for dancing the sardana. I also saw a fair number of Catalonian men in traditional costume wearing them, too!

  3. Meghan permalink
    March 28, 2012 11:10 am

    Lord have mercy, they look like a major tripping hazard! PS: how do other people get cute avatars?

  4. March 28, 2012 1:23 pm

    I’ll raise you one further and say, “let’s not and RUN FOR THE HILLS”. Because to be honest, I don’t want anyone even so much as thinking I went there with these. They’re just… well, awful is a major understatement. Keep them away from me. (The Prada ones have been giving me nightmares for weeks…yikes, that’s an unfortunate demise for flotation devices/pool toys.)

  5. kathyspiteri permalink
    May 18, 2014 1:01 pm

    What do people wear that want a fashionable shoe, but can’t wear heels? I have fibromyalgia and my feet hurt too much to wear anything but flats. But ~ I’m only 5′ tall and can’t wear dresses with flats – my legs need some length. Help!

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