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We Moustache you a question

November 28, 2011

L-A: Oh yes. We are all about the corny puns around here. They help me through the times where I struggle to come up with a post about fashion and style when I’m wearing a paint stained outfit and literally up to my eyes in socks (it’s time for Crafters again!). The other thing that is getting in the way is Movember. I’m sorry to pain some of you, but there it is. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a great cause and I’m glad folks want to spend the month raising money for said good cause. But the trouble is: most of us are forced to suffer through a month of Very Bad Looking Moustaches.

As it’s for a good cause, I’ll deal with the moustache for the month. But I think the moustache should be discussed because they are a style statement and style is part of fashion. And the styles I have seen vary wildly. From actual full dad-style moustaches to the “I didn’t know you were growing one” moustache to the “I’m not sure I trust you with my children” moustache. I’ve even seen moustaschioed gangs of what might have been moderately attractive men at a restaurant. I say “moderately” because their measly moustaches were in the way.

So men, as a lady, let me tell you my thoughts on the moustache (other than the simple fact that I do not like them. At all).

This is a moustache:

Old timey gents knew how to grow a moustache.


As is this:

It's hard to spot the moustache with all that bedazzling and fur on the hat getting your attention.


Edit! And this (as Jill reminded me of in the comments), is the mother of all moustaches.

Ron. Effing. Swanson. He wears a moustache better than anyone.

This, however, is not a good moustache:

Sexy beast made infinitely less sexy by patchy thin moustache.


And this is definitely not a good moustache. It’s what some might call measly.

 We really shouldn’t encourage anyone to grow that kind of moustache. I don’t care if it’s the ticket to winning some sort of Sporting Trophy.

And this one just kind of scares me:

Creepy 'stache might be the point of this one.


So fellows, if you are determined to grow a moustache here’s what I ask of you. Make sure you can grow it. If you can’t, stop immediately and get out your Mach Awesome McManley Super Razor with 17 blades (or whatever it is they’re selling these days). If you can grow one, please be sure you can grow it in full and even and you take care to groom it. Trim it. Buy it a comb. Things like that. If you’re up for that, then fill your boots. It’s your face.

And you know what? While I don’t particularly care for the ‘stache, I understand that sometimes your face may need it.



I’m told by The Husband it takes time to grow proper facial hair. So maybe we need more than a month for the growing of these moustaches. Maybe Movember-Mocember? Because then by Christmas there might be some better looking ‘staches and our suffering will be worth it. But don’t take my word for it…let’s talk to a dude about the style of the ‘stache.


It gets old fast, but I?ll be damned if I don?t love me a sight gag.


I don’t think it’s a secret that I love me some facial hair. I’m usually sporting a little something, whether it’s a five o’clock shadow, straight up stubble, beard, or a ‘stache. It’s funny because, this is a relatively new addition to my personal style. I think it’s been almost two years since I was shaving one evening, was running behind, decided to say “fuck it”, and leave a lil’ beard behind.

This was clearly a night where I made good decisions.)

And, this past summer, I threw all of the caution I have to the wind and adopted a full on moustache.

My hair also gets much lighter in the summer, so... I swear it?s there.

Some say it was an attractive success… others say it left a lot to be desired. But I didn?t care, because I felt like a 1970s stud. After a few months, however, I started to realize that an ironic moustache can only truly look natural in warm, summery weather (like Magnum P.I.), and with September looming, I’d need a new look. Of course, I retreated back to my beard, but looking back at summer photos, I see that only a certain kind of face can pull off a moustache on its own: the Mature Dad face.

I already trust him with my kids. And I don?t have any.

Otherwise, you’ll have ‘staches like this:

Can we all just agree that he?s not a great actor, but gets cast because he knows how to fill out a pair of jeans?

See how much more attractive a man is with facial hair?

Tom Hardy, meet Ben Cohen. I?m going to blackout from a handsome overload right now.

Guys, if you’re going to attempt facial hair, let me impart some wisdom I learned rather quickly:

1. Make sure you can grow a full beard. If you can’t, it’s OK – a lot of guys have patchy facial hair. You just have to learn how to work with, and shape, the hair you have.

  1. Buy beard shampoo. It exists, and it will make your life 100 times softer. Otherwise, your beard will get itchy and coarse, and then no one wants to make out with you. (L-A edit: Truth). 
  2. Trim. For the love of Moses, trim your beard because the descent into Mountain Man territory is rapid… and ugly.
  3. Embrace the beard. Nothing looks worse than facial hair on a guy who keeps saying:“I just thought I’d try something new…”.I was guilty of this until I looked in the mirror one day and thought, “the beard is your life now”.

Now, if you need a full on tutorial, this article from GQ called The Modern Man’s Guide to Beards is a fantastic resource. It’s got style tips, hygiene pointers, and more. And, if this list using Ryan Gosling to illustrate its points is any indication, it should prompt you to subscribe to GQ immediately.

The secret to solving the world?s financial crisis is contained in Ryan Gosling's beard. I can feel it.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. November 28, 2011 10:42 am

    I love Tom Selleck, but WHERE IS RON SWANSON???

    Sorry, got a little overzealous there. But seriously. A post about ‘staches and no Ron Effing Swanson?

    • la permalink*
      November 28, 2011 10:44 am

      Jill, I just went into a shame spiral. How did I not think of Ron Effing Swanson?!? His Pyramid of Greatness is the wallpaper on my computer! (to be fair, I was using the husband’s computer – so it’s not like Ron was staring me down while I wrote). I’m going to fix this.

      • November 28, 2011 11:03 am

        Everyone makes mistakes, I’m sure Ron wouldn’t hold it against you.

        I was thisclose to buying a Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness poster during the NBC store Black Friday sale, but I sadly don’t have room for it in my apartment.

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