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The day has come. I am looking for a “Mom” Swimsuit.

July 20, 2011

Ally: Many of you may have read the title of this blog and dived under your desk in fear. I’m sad to say that it is true. I am indeed on the hunt for a mom appropriate bathing suit. I remember Official Intern Eden once declaring (I think it was on Facebook) that we would have to tear her bikini from her cold, dead hands. Word, Eden. Word. Sadly, I just can’t swim with a toddler or navigate him through the wading pool while wearing a two-piece. The danger of a wardrobe malfunction is at red alert territory. So, what’s a girl to do?

I have one go-to swimsuit. It’s black, cute and does the trick. Nothing fancy. I think I got it at Winners. However, for my two-week vacation (starting Monday!) I will need back-up swimsuits. Here are some thoughts:


I love the colour, and love the halter. I could do this. I could. I really could.


Apparently this is a Herve Leger swimsuit. It will cost you around $200. Interesting. Alternatively, for the same price and look you could buy yourself a six pack of Bud Light and set yourself up in a second-hand trailer. So, no on this one.

I’ve always loved the idea of a strapless one-piece swimsuit…


However, not toddler friendly. Unless I use industrial strength glue. Is that waterproof?

Then there is the tankini…


I don’t know, folks. Is the tankini the equivalent of waving the “I’m too effing old to wear a bikini but I swear I’ll go down swinging” bathing suit?

So, some evening this week I will be heading to find a back-up swimsuit. I’ll keep you in the loop as to what is out there. Open to suggestions. Seriously. Help me.

L-A: I haven’t even thought about swimsuits this summer. Not because of the weather (although that doesn’t help) or because my best beach friend moved this spring, but because I don’t even want to know the status of how my bathing suits are fitting me. I’m assuming it’s not good. For that reason, I’m glad the weather is lousy and I have no plans for the beach.  You see, school was good to me because I did well and got my diploma and got a job, but my eight months of stress eating and no activity? Not so good. It’s my grown up version of the g.d. freshman fifteen. I packed back on some serious pounds. And instead of thinking about a new bathing suit – because I don’t even want to go to that change room – I’m thinking about Weight Watchers.

But because I love Ally and she wants to spend the next two weeks poolside, I will think about bathing suits that are cute and won’t lead to wardrobe malfunctions. She can go back to her beloved two piece when munchkin is no longer a toddler.

If I were looking for one that covered the goods and couldn’t be torn off by small children, I’d probably start here:


It looks like it’d keep everything in place while you still look cute. And, bonus, Pretty Things sells one just like this (the above suit was found at ModCloth) which means buying locally (win!) and you get the chance to try it on. Because quite frankly? Buying a bathing suit online scares the beejeezus out of me. How do you know it fits? I mean, what the hell does S M L XL really mean anyway??

In the same vein, another halter neck suit that has a bit of the retro cut to it:


Do any of you own suits with this kind of cut? I like them, but I fear that coming down that far onto my thighs would put me in the running for most unflattering fashion choice on the beach (I’ll always lose that contest to The Dude Who Should Never Take His Shirt Off In Public and The Lady Who Doesn’t Realize And/Or Care Her Swimsuit Is Three Sizes Too Small).

If retroish cuts aren’t your bag and you’re not looking to your Nana when she was your age as a fashion icon (although, that’s not necessarily a bad idea. Your Nana might have had some serious swag), there’s this overpriced Marc Jacobs number:


Love the rainbowness, iffy on the belt/sash, dead set against a $220 bathing suit. I have trouble dipping $220 worth of Nylon into chlorine. Or sea water. And definitely not lake water.

Or, if the halter is appealing, but the bottom of those suits weren’t, I totally dug this one (which is in a colour Ally likes):


I feel like the halter is pretty secure, but this one gives you a bit of cleavage so you don’t feel like you’re completely covering up all the goods. I mean, if you have to give up your bikini for a one piece, you still want to look damn cute and totally un-nun-at-the-beach.

As much fun as that looks like, it's probably not the look Ally is going for.


Although, if you were going for that look, there is a Nun’s Surf Invitational. Just saying.

I’m also going to recommend against Annette’s choice of swimwear:

Honestly, Annette? You would have been so much cuter in a two piece. And if its the fisherman that has you worried, the chances of him hooking your top too is pretty unlikely. Dude got a rare score on the one he did hook. About as likely as this dude scoring a goal.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 20, 2011 9:20 am

    I had SO much trouble looking for a one-piece swimsuit, but I finally found one. (I’m not a mom, but I do occasionally enter a pool with young siblings, and I’m not always in the mood to expose my MUCH less tanned stomach to the world.) It was hard for me because I have a weirdly long torso that would not fit into anything I tried on, and because most things were ugly.

    I really love retro looking suits like some of the ones L-A posted. The one I ended up purchasing is deep purple and has a low V-neck, so I still feel sexy in it. So I guess I’d recommend just trying on stuff that will still make you feel hot even as a toddler tries to undo the halter top.

  2. Rhia permalink
    July 20, 2011 9:32 am

    When I was out shopping a few weeks ago, both Pretty Things and Biscuit had super-cute retro ones. But hey, I wear a black/green toddler-proof Roots one I bought at Costco, so who am I to talk.

  3. Rhia permalink
    July 20, 2011 9:52 am

    Also this one is cute:

  4. July 21, 2011 1:56 am

    I have one like the ModCloth one that L-A posted (except in purple) and it is SUPER FLATTERING! The leg length is fine, and the ruching makes it cute and interesting, rather than matronly and old-lady-esqe.

    And tankinis always bug me. It’s like – do a bikini, or do a one-piece, but no tippy-toeing around. If you’re going to wear a one piece, own it and rock it and make it yours.

  5. silke permalink
    July 21, 2011 9:05 pm
    • la's pretend husband permalink
      July 27, 2011 4:00 pm

      This short film is awesome and pure art, even it is an ad. Thanks for posting it.

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