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Here’s the thing, Blake Lively: It’s not me, it’s you.

May 19, 2011

Ally: Concerned about my well-being, L-A sent me a number of emails today in hopes that she could brighten my spirits after Blakegate.

Note the baby doll dress. THE BABY DOLL DRESS.
In the “cheer up, buttercup!” email, L-A kindly informed me that Bishop Cellar delivers (Ohwilly?!!) and suggested that I take a crack at our version of The Gloss’ “Celebrities we Irrationally Hate” segment.
Yes, please!
You didn’t offend me here. You were close…but…no, you didn’t offend me.
I didn’t use to have a giant hate-on for Blake Lively. No, in fact, I thought she was rather endearing. Sure, she couldn’t act but she had pretty hair and her clothes were fun and almost Sienna-like in nature.
Cute smile, funky clothes, lots of accessories. I was down. Then this happened.
Then this happened:
Anna Wintour was officially shoving this second-rate, wannabe Sloane Ranger down my delicate throat. Really, Anna?
Really? Fashion icon? How is the above differ from…oh, I don’t know…THIS:


Three years probation, a Red Bull and not much else. That’s the difference my friends.

So, I was already annoyed before she moved in on my pretend boyfriend. The thing is, I’m fine with Leo and ridiculous alien creature models. Fine. In fact, note the following exchange between myself and L-A this afternoon:

Ally: My world is somewhat better now. Leo is back to banging models. All is right again.

L-A: Somehow, I’m okay with him banging models. In my world, he is either married to Kate Winslet or banging a model whose name I can’t recall. And that is all that’s okay. I’ve yet to see the non-model woman who is up to my standards for him.

You see? We’re totally not judgey! This was fine. More than fine:


In fairness, Blake has a tough road ahead. Bar is not an easy act to follow. I would never go so low as to say that she doesn’t meet the Bar standards. I would however go so low as to requote WWTDD:

But even an attractive girl like Blake must be plagued with insecurities, wondering if she measures up to Bar. I’ll make it easy for you; no. No you don’t. At all. It’s really not even close. To be honest, you should be embarrassed at how much better Bar is than you. I don’t know how you even look at yourself in the mirror.

That’s mean.

The hate is irrational. Blake seems sweet, is likely the victim of some malicious rumours started by jealous starlets (like the Ben Affleck one…eek). She can’t act, sure, but she’s a gorgeous young lady who entertains me on a trite television show geared towards young adults. Still, the hate. She goes where she does not belong, she aims too high. Gossip Girl…fine, attempting to land the role of Daisy in The Great Gatsby? Please. Betty White is better suited. Seriously. Betty White IS better suited.

P.S. Bar killed it in Cannes. Perfect revenge. This dress?


Cavalli. Perfect.

Sometimes, when I’m nervous before a big event I flip on my iShuffle and listen to motivational music. Like, you know, Britney Spears. This is why part of me hopes that when Bar saw the “We’re on a Boat” photos of Blake and Leo, she quietly pushed her chair back from her computer, sauntered over the the boxed wine and pressed repeat on this little ditty:

To the left, to the left!

L-A: What’s left to say? Other than, “what she said” and “amen.” Because when you get on a boat with Leo, you best be prepared to bring it bitch. And Legsy McGee? She did not bring it. She never does. Sure she did okay in The Town, but that’s because she played a drug addict who slurred and mumbled her way through everything.

Other than quality of accessories, how is this different from Serena van der Woodsen?

Slurring and mumbling is her acting ALL THE TIME! Have you heard her attempt to speak French on Gossip Girl?? Either she’s not even trying or the writers are playing a cruel joke on the kid.

So here’s the thing Blake Lively, it’s not us, it’s you. We hate to hate you, baby, but we do.

And Leo? Consider this a warning. Don’t get to thinking you’re irreplaceable. Cannes is full of Pretend Boyfriend material and we frown upon those who get too friendly with Daisy Buchanan wannabes.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. May 19, 2011 9:29 am

    Love this new segment, even though I can’t say I share your hatred for Blake Lively. I actually kind of like her, even though whenever I watch Gossip Girl I’m driven crazy by her mumbling. But I like her style & relationship with Anna Wintour.

    Can’t wait to see who else you’re going to hate on!

    • L-A permalink*
      May 19, 2011 1:31 pm

      We totally stole/borrowed the idea from The Gloss. But I’m kind of in love with it and am making a list of celebrities I hate. We may even get some of our regular guest writers to offer up their irrational hate ons.

      I’ve never taken to Blake Lively. She’s pretty with great legs, but I haven’t figured out her appeal beyond that.

  2. May 19, 2011 12:10 pm


  3. Mel D permalink
    May 19, 2011 1:43 pm

    Omg I laughed hard at this post. I agree that Blake sounds like she has marbles in her mouth. However I doubt Leo was dating supermodels to hear them recite Shakespeare.
    Anyhoo can we double back to Bishop’s Cellar now has delivery?!?!?!? OMG now our driveway wine/beers can continue endlessly. This summer might be the best one yet :)
    PS – Thanks for getting your deck redone. I am, and will, really appreciate the new view….

    • L-A permalink*
      May 19, 2011 2:14 pm

      No, the models are probably not there for the intellectual debates (particularly as Lainey reported he threw a party where there were five models for every dude). (also, Ally killed it on this post. I think I read it twice because I enjoyed it so much).

      But yes! Wine delivery! I think you do have to plan a bit to get it delivered (it’s not like pizza), but still…better than having to make plans to go to the LC.

    • allygarbs permalink*
      May 19, 2011 8:47 pm

      I’m glad you are enjoying the deck renovations. We should enjoy over a glass of wine this weekend.

  4. RH (snoop) permalink
    May 19, 2011 5:09 pm

    This post is just hysterical, very cleverly written ladies!
    Leo has always been my number one, my ultimate favourite (he drives a smart car for goodness sakes) but I actually have always been a bit smug about him not being into “real girls”, a la Matt Damon.
    If he is into Blake Lively then that actually makes me smile a bit. No, she is not a fashion icon like Sienna and definitely does NOT deserve the cover of Vogue, but it does indeed shed a glimmer of hope on my fantasy that had I only lived in LA, then Leo and I could have actually bumped into each other, he could have been smitten with a “common” girl, and we could have lived happily ever after.

    • allygarbs permalink*
      May 19, 2011 8:49 pm

      I hear you, Snoop. My only argument would be that if Leo does go for a “common” girl, it should be for one of us. Not Blake. Dating models makes it easier to keep him at “pretend boyfriend” status. When he plays in the normal people field it makes it much more difficult. Seriously, go back to the models. We’re good there.

  5. Alice permalink
    January 5, 2013 4:54 am

    I have no idea how anyone would call blake lively a model, go to some sites and check it out-same poses and same facial expression in every shot,that’s as funny as calling her an actress. She could not act or model her way out of a wet paper bag with the bottom ripped out of it.


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