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Get Me To The Probation Hearing On Time

February 14, 2011

Lindsay Lohan. Admit it, you just thought of a train wreck.

Poor LiLo, she just keeps getting put down by “The Man”. Did she steal that $2,500 necklace from a shop in Venice? Of course not! Perish the thought! If you don’t believe me, check out this eloquent tweet from the maligned pop culture icon,

“i would never steal, in case people are wondering. I was not raised to lie, cheat, or steal… also, what i wear to court shouldnt be front page news. it’s just absurd. god bless xox L” (via WhoSay)

I really feel for LiLo; she doesn’t deserve this kind of scrutiny. While she was probably referring to the absurdity of attention that her life seems to attract, I like to think she was indirectly apologizing for her less than appropriate court outfits. I’m hardly an authority on “the law” or “being in trouble” or “caring about Lindsay Lohan” but I do know one thing – dressing for the occasion. Let’s take a closer look at LiLo’s judicial sartorial legacy.

Heroes wear white. So do virgins. At least she hasn't lost her sense of humour.

This is what our girl wore to her most recent court appearance for that necklace thing I mentioned earlier. Apparently the necklace was on loan to Lindsay; because you know, she’s totally fluent in Italian and able to negotiate such a deal. Being able to almost see your business? I hardly think that’s appropriate. Nothing screams “innocent” like a dress so tight you look like you’re suffocating on the inside.

Grand larceny? Me? That's like, so not true.

"Are we like done here? I totes forgot my house keys again and need to get to the mall ASAP."

It seems LiLo refuses to learn from mistakes. This photo is from an earlier probation hearing when she was in her “I’m a serious actress because I have black hair” phase. Just look at those knockers. She kind of looks like that soccer mom at the PTA meeting who had a one night stand with a School Board member. I’m corporate but I know how to party *cat noise*!

Just getting a divorce and looking stunning. NBD.

THIS is how you do a court appearance. Kate Walsh is always a fistful of sexy but she really stepped up her game heading to court to finalize her divorce. Look at those legs. Legz 4 daize. (via Just Jared)

Amy thinks she's going to Euro Disney. Bless.

Lindsay, sweetheart, if Any Winehouse can look more presentable than you for a court appearance then we need to have a chat. Sure, Amy’s chest is voluptuous but at least she’s buttoned up. And her collar is not popped like she has a serious case of Saturday Night Fever. And she’s not smirking like some schoolgirl who got caught smoking in the bathroom.

If you all knew how much I tried to want Lindsay to succeed, you would tell me I wasted far too much time. I sat through “Labor Pains”. I unabashedly loved “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen”. I cry laughed during “I Know Who Killed Me”. Really, I’ve been there through the peaks and the valleys. Next time you’re headed to court – and there will be a next time – call me. I’ll talk you through the outfit preparation. Oh, and cut your mother out of your life. Just sayin’.

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