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Must have pants. Will rip them off you if I have to.

September 7, 2010

Ally: Oh, Labour Day weekend. I heart you. Even if I have to work these three days, it’s been bliss. So, Monday’s are supposed to be all about accessories. I ain’t got nothing to talk about in that regard, unless you count the mini bottles of Prosecco they sell at Harvest Wines in Bedford (the suburbs are good for something!).

Meet OK Prosecco. My new best friend. In comes in a mini-bottle, perfect for taking the 86 home. You need to tote along a cap opener, but as if that can’t fit into my Ann Taylor tote. The nice thing is, the bottle is the perfect size. No one needs more than one glass of sparkling. Correction…I don’t need more than one glass of sparkling. Two and I’m finding the nearest speaker/bar/chair/male shoulders to dance upon. No jokes. If you want to have a good time, bring Ally and a bottle of bubbly and you’ll be in for a treat.

Moving on.

Everyone is talking about them. The must-have trend of fall. While it is no surprise that I am easily swayed into style decisions (proof: currrent copper hair), I actually think this trend would work for me. I’m not really into guns per se, but the military style is growing on me.

I particularly enjoy these Victoria Secret cargos as featured on


I’m picturing these with a white shirt and my gold mary janes purchased from Aldo a trillion years ago.

Love these J Brand Houlihan Zip cargos found on .


Thinking I could only afford the price tag if the boy learned to take care of himself during the day while Mommy went to work. Early graducation from daycare, perhaps?

It seems that J Brand is the celebrity go-to for skinny cargos.


Perhaps I could purchase a more affordable pair in-person at Envy in Park Lane. Their ad on the radio the other day talked about how the boutique was featuring skinny cargos and “jeggings” (L-A’s head explodes). They do have J Brand pants in stock as well as 7 for all Mankind. Maybe the  J Brand Houlihan Zip cargos will be on sale? Or maybe I can glamour the sales people like they do on True Blood?

P.S. Next week, we need to talk bras. There are too many ladies in this city not committed to upperwear. Seriously. It looks like it hurts. Protect your assets, girls. We’ll talk. I promise. Also, please make sure you match. You never know when a bus might hit you. Particularly if the driver has been given a glass of Ok Prosecco by a rider.

L-A: Well, they’re better than the dread jeggings. That’s the nicest thing I can say about those pants. I will also say that they are better than the version of cargos that I wore back in the late 90s. Ladies, let me tell you something: giant pockets on your thighs are not your friends. Especially if those giant pockets are attached to loose fitting pants.  My guess is they are only moderately better when attached to skinny legged pants. Even if I could fit into a pair of those, I’m pretty sure I’d hate them. They’re total man-repellers. Which, you know, is okay. Because clearly Ally loves them and her love for those pants has nothing to do with what El Jeffe might think of them.

So I’m going to go ahead and put skinny cargos on my list of pants I hate.

Unfortunately for the skinny cargo, they aren’t top of that list. Top of that list, maybe even replacing jeggings (which are not actually pants, since they are leggings), are these nightmares:

I bet you’re asking yourself the following questions: Are those stirrup pants? Are they fucking for serious? They’re a joke, right?

The answers to your questions are:

1. Yes they are.

2.  Like a heart attack.

3. No, they are not. Not even a little bit.

Not only are they not a joke, but they are Stella McCartney and they cost $655. (is it just me, or does that sentence make your eye twitch?)  That’s $655 worth of stretchy cotton with a satin trim at the waist and elasticized stirrups.  That’s $655 worth of flashbacks to class photo day, circa 1992.  I now know how my mom felt when I said I wanted to wear crochet vests and bell bottoms. It’s not a good feeling and I thank my lucky stars that I don’t have a teenage daughter to torture me through this resurgance of bad 1990s fashions.  (In my defence, the bell bottoms are not that bad. In fact, they were downright lovely compared to a stirrup pant. Not so much the crocheted vest).

Before I sign off, I will say one thing: I may hate those skinny cargos, but they would probably look amazeballs on Ally. She should get a pair. Partly so she’ll look awesome and trendy, partly so I can silently mock her. If she gets stirrups, then I will defriend her on facebook. Maybe even in real life. I’m not kidding.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. September 7, 2010 8:40 am

    Help: I have been out of the country since June. What the eff are “jeggings?”
    Also – portable Prosecco might just be the death of me.

    • Intern Krista permalink
      September 7, 2010 9:29 am

      I’m with you, where can we get portable Prosecco downtown? Your readers demand the info!

      • allygarbs permalink*
        September 7, 2010 10:11 am

        I might start supplying it. Have a little prosecco stand on Barrington St. I’ll see if Reader Ivy knows if that is legal or not ; )

        • Intern Krista permalink
          September 8, 2010 12:12 pm

          If it’s not legal, let me know and we’ll move on to Plan B.

    • L-A permalink*
      September 7, 2010 8:44 pm

      Jeggings are the devil’s pants. They are leggings meant to look like skinny jeans. So, stretchy cotton with a denim look. They’re sort of like those ads for McCain’s Triple Chill cakes, which were basically an edible oil product, where the ad said “you can have your cake and ice creamy taste too”. Not ice cream, just the taste. Not jeans, just supposed to look like them.

  2. September 7, 2010 8:59 pm

    Ah, jeggings. I know and loathe them. Who wears these things?

    • Intern Krista permalink
      September 8, 2010 12:11 pm

      Walk around Dal.

      • September 8, 2010 2:57 pm

        Want to know what’s worse than jeggings? MATERNITY jeggings! I kid you not…

        • L-A permalink*
          September 8, 2010 7:00 pm

          I really wish you were kidding. Then again, I wish regular jeggings were a joke.

  3. September 9, 2010 3:47 pm

    Here is what true philanthropy would look like: me, with a gazillion dollars, ALL of which I use to buy EVERY LAST PAIR of those heinous stirrup-pants (wait– isn’t “heinous stirrup-pants” redundant?) and burn them, just to spare the world having from them.

    A girl can dream.

    • L-A permalink*
      September 9, 2010 6:05 pm

      The world would build statues in you honour if you were able to do that. Maybe someone should talk to Oprah. She has a gazillion dollars and I’m sure she could work something out.

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