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The Mom Jeans of Bathing Suits

June 2, 2010

Ally: Here’s the thing; I’m ok being in a two-piece bathing suit. I’ve worked pretty hard the last eight months after having BabyG to get back into pre-pregnancy shape. Let’s be clear – I’m not Heidi Klum, or even Heidi Klum’s ugly step-cousin that lives under the basement stairs, but I’m alright hitting the beach in my bikini.

With that said, I need a one-piece. It just strikes me as sort of weird to go swimming with my baby at the Sackville Sports Stadium in my Victoria Secret two-piece (they have awesome online deals btw!). You know? So, when I have gone swimming with baby, it’s been in a Walmart special. And…it’s not special at all. It’s ugly.

So, off I trotted the other day (with Baby…who will be devastated to learn when he is older that he was a part of the change room experience) to find a swimsuit. Once again, I came home with a Walmart special. Slightly better than the previous suit, but no where near what I was hoping for. Every store I hit up was featuring these:


Cut-out swimsuits. I don’t get it. I do not understand the appeal. Why get the one-piece? It seems…very unattractive and I apologize if I am offending anyone here. Truly. If you have one of these, perhaps you can explain why you have it. The( Halifax) Herald ran an article on the cut-out suit in today’s paper.  The article quotes celebrity stylist Nicole Chavez, “I think it’s a really chic look and it’s really high fashion,” she said. “The one-piece tends to be a little matronly. This is a way to wear one-piece and be very chic.”

I agree. The one-piece is typically matronly. However, it is possible to make a cute, basic swimsuit without looking like you just did the dirty with Jaws. Like this one from Victoria’s Secret:


While they do have great online prices, I always prefer to try a suit on before passing over my (husband’s) credit card. For example, the above suit may indeed translate into matronly on person if you aren’t Miranda Kerr-ish. If I was Miranda Kerr, I would wear this all the time:


A little try-hard for Sackville. I’d probably get punched in the face if I wore this there. Rightfully so.

I suppose I could also check out La Vie en Rose, which has an outlet in Dartmouth Crossing. Their online selection leaves me wanting though (all photos from their site):

Tennis anyone? No.

MY FUCKING EYES. MY FUCKING EYES. There is no polite way of saying that. Mary in a bread fucking basket that is hideous.

I take it back. I am not going to Dartmouth Crossing. This is almost as offensive as SATC2.

Someone on Twitter pointed me in the direction of Sears. Hmm…

I’m losing hope.

Ok, I could do this I think.

Sigh. L-A, I give up. Help?

L-A: I’m with you on the cut-out one piece suit. I don’t really get it. I feel like it is only sexytime awesome when you’re a Bond Girl. Except I can’t even find a picture of a Bond Girl in said variety swimsuit. Maybe I just haven’t seen a model wearing one that I like (perhaps I should be reading the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue for such things).

Unfortunately, I am the last girl who should be giving swimsuit advice. Oh sure, I have opinions about swimsuits. Lots of them. But when you get down to brass tacks, I am a) not a skinny girl and b) a girl who mainly wears this as her swimsuit:

A completely sturdy, practical one-piece. (In my defense, I do enjoy swimming laps). Why would you listen to me if you knew this is what I wear?  I do have cute two pieces and a slightly cuter one piece, but going back to being not so skinny (it covers and holds it all in place) and adding the fact that I have the skin colouring of death warmed over, I just end up in my Speedo.

I could go all fashion blogger on you and say that I think the Comme des Garçons Speedo is totes hot for summer days with the swim team, but seriously?

I respect you guys too much for that. It’s the exact same Speedo I have, but with Comme des Garçons written on it and costing twice as much.  I’m not even sure who that suit is supposed to impress.

But I will try to recommend one suit for wearing to the sportsplex with the munchkin:

This suit by Deux Fm is cute without being too cutesy. It’s low cut enough in places that you still look good, but not so low cut sexytime that you look like the MILF who is hitting on the teenage lifeguards at the pool. Because that is a look you want to avoid. Unless you are trying to hit on the teenage lifeguard, in which case, may I suggest the cut out one piece? (p.s. to the ladies of Halifax: the Deux Fm suit is available at Love, Me).

12 Comments leave one →
  1. Eden permalink
    June 2, 2010 7:57 am

    a. the cutout suit is a recipe for a really weird tan is what it is.

    b. they will have to pry my bikinis from my cold dead hands.

    • allygarbs permalink*
      June 2, 2010 7:48 pm

      I pray that we will be a old fashionable lady’s home together some day sipping cocktails in our bikinis.

  2. June 2, 2010 8:34 am

    American Eagle has a cute, non-mumsy one-piece if you can pull off a bandeau-style top. I cannot, because I am tittically challenged.

    Old Navy has some halter suits online, which might be cute, or might make even the skinniest among us look like a droopy-ass…hard to tell!

    Good luck!!

    • allygarbs permalink*
      June 2, 2010 7:48 pm

      I shall take Baby to Old Navy tomorrow! : )

  3. Rhia permalink
    June 2, 2010 8:48 am

    I got a Roots One Piece similar to this at Costco:

    But yes, it’s for wearing with the babe swimming. And I need a bikini that fits in both places… my top half is bigger and my bottom half smaller than when I purchased all mine.
    The one I bought in Brazil is now perfect in the bum (where it was skimpy) and scandalous (fit for Ipanema) in the top (where it was perfect.)

    Yes, I am making this all about me. But the Twitter suggestion for Maritime Campus is a good one.

    • L-A permalink*
      June 2, 2010 10:02 am

      A friend (J.Lau) was recently shopping for bathing suits and was informed that one should definitely buy two different sizes for top and bottom. ie. top might need to be a large and bottom a small to medium. With the two piece, I think it is best to buy seperates rather than buy a medium on both halves.

  4. June 2, 2010 10:37 am

    ORDER FROM VS! They will take things back if they don’t fit. The only bugger is the duty. I ordered from them for a trip in January (no one around here was selling bathing suits yet) and was very happy with the sizing and the service. I know I should be telling you to shop local, but desperate times call for desperate measures. The Deux FM suit L-A suggests is nice. As is the Old Navy number recommended by Amy. But I think you should go for this:

    or this:

    Classy, flattering, and look practical/sturdy enough to avoid unfortunate “bathing suit malfunctions”. Equally at home at the local pool AND the French Riviera…Voila!

    I am also a big fan of the “tankini”, which covers without feeling frumpy. I have a couple that I pull out when I am feeling not-so-sexy. Kind of like this:

    but mine are from Joe Fresh and Old Navy. Such a basic style that the cheapies look as nice as this one.

    • allygarbs permalink*
      June 2, 2010 7:47 pm

      Jo, you are always the best help!

  5. June 2, 2010 3:12 pm

    Pretty Things has some lovely one pieces:

    I love mine.

    • allygarbs permalink*
      June 2, 2010 7:47 pm

      Oooh, love this, Heather!

  6. Jules permalink
    June 2, 2010 10:36 pm

    I rock a Roots tankini at our Mum and Baby swim class. Eventually, I fully plan on going back to a modest (read – no strings, ample cleavage cover) reg. bikini. Cutouts rank among the foulest of swimwear in my opinion, though perhaps may be suitable for Giselle to take little Ben Brady to his swimming instruction.

  7. Jen Nicholson permalink
    June 3, 2010 5:36 am

    Ladies – This may be just what us Moms (and really anyone!) needs: Spanx bathing suits! There are some very cute ones – I haven’t tried any though to confirm that all the bad stuff stays under the suit and doesn’t squish out the bottom and the top!

    They are also very expensive but I believe a great bathing suit – like a great pair of jeans – is priceless!
    They are available at Sock it to You on Spring Garden.

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